Humor

by

Bird Thoughts By A Bird Brain

 

This is a sad fact…I am not a fan of birds.  Spring is the time to confess as birds seem to be everywhere now that the temperatures are warmer.  It’s not that I hate birds…it’s more the fact that they scare me to death.  This is not a new fear.  I have been scared to death of birds since I was a little boy.  If I can sit and watch them parade around by looking through a window, than I am fine.  If you remove the window and I see one, I go cold.  God forbid that a bird flies at or near me.  I involuntarily scream, sweat, run and have even been known to cry.  In fact, I remember my first bad experience with a bird. 

Mrs. Curtain lived behind one of our first houses in Iowa.  At the time we moved there, I was 3 and she had to be at least 83.  I have to be honest.  Women at 83 in those days did not look that great.  We say today that 60 is the new 40 for a woman.  That was not the case in the ’60s.  83 looked 83 or older.  Mrs. Curtain wore long dresses, had unkempt gray hair, wore black horn-rimmed glasses and not a stitch of makeup covered her face (not at 83 and probably ever).  To this day, here is how I remember her.  

However, the strange part is that I was attracted to her.  She didn’t scare me.  She was my friend.  Mrs Curtain was a widow, her children had moved away ages ago and she did what a woman of her age did in those days in a small farming town in Iowa.  She lived in a small house, tended to a large garden of flowers and vegetables and kept chickens in her fenced-in back yard.  Who came over every day to bother help her?  Yes, it was me.  I would watch her garden, watch her mow, watch her do laundry, watch her do most anything.  However, I was not allowed to help with the chickens.  She repeatedly told me that they were off-limits because I was too young to be around them inside their fence.  So I sort of obeyed her command.  That means that I would not go inside the fence but I would make sure that I found various ways to make the chickens crazy.  I would yell at them, throw rocks at them, poke them with sticks.  Anything to taunt them because they were off-limits to me.  One day, they had had enough.  A rooster broke loose and came at me.  There were claws, feathers, clucking, screaming and then the rooster laid a hard, sharp peck with its beak on my forehead before Mrs. Curtain came to the rescue.  I have never enjoyed a bird since that day.

I have done well in my life staying away from birds.  I’ve lived most of my life in the concrete jungle.  I have warned friends with free flying birds in their homes to lock them up or risk harm to them (I wouldn’t kill a bird, but if a parrot flew at me, I’m not sure what I would do in my panic).  Any event that I am at where there are also birds means that I either leave or sit in a secure, inside area.  All this changed when I moved to Glen Road.  Here in the country, birds are everywhere.  They literally are your neighbors.  I can tell you who lives in what nest.  I can tell you which birds are meaner than others.  I have even been able to shyly look at a few birds without running (remember the cardinals).  However, I would like to give them a few pieces of advice so that I can expand my love even further.

  • Do not begin to sing until 10:30 AM and cease your songs at 8 PM.  Oh, and all birds must sing the same song….just in different harmonies so they can distinguish themselves between species.  Cardinals can be like the sopranos, blue jays the baritones and sparrows the altos.  You see, at 5:30 AM, your loud and non-coordinated singing is just annoying.  You wake me up and it is not a pretty sound.  Get an alarm clock and a chorale director and let me sleep.

  • Get a pair of sensible shoes.  Your claws are sickening.  There isn’t a pedicure invented that will make your claws look better, so cover them up.  If you can find stockings, buy them and put them on as well.  There is just something about seeing a bird claw that makes me shudder.  Is it the scaly part?  The long toenails?  The way it moves?  Whatever it is, cover them up and don’t show them.  Admit they’re ugly and you are embarrassed by them and put some shoes and socks on them.  You’ll be a step ahead.

  • Install a toilet in your nests.  I don’t want to see it, clean it or worry about it.  More than this, I don’t want to feel it on me…EVER.  Get some class and install a little toilet to do your business.  You’ll get more dates.  Enough said on this one.

I’ll try to like birds better this year.  I’m taking little steps though.  I would like a hummingbird to come live on Glen Road.  That’s a good step forward, right?  Honestly, I am scared about the long beak thing.  Has anyone ever heard of someone losing an eye because they got too close to a hummingbird?

by

JoJo’s Journal – I Hate Bath Time!

 Who, me?  I’m not dirty!

This is another edition of JoJo’s Journal here on Acorns On Glen….bark!  Hello, my loves, it has been so long since the last time I wrote to you.  Spring has been so busy for me given that I can actually leave the house now and run around the back yard and investigate everything.  All of this running around leads me to my post today.  When you are an inquisitive young pup like I am, it comes with a cost.  The cost is that you get dirty a lot more often.  It only makes sense.  There are sheds to crawl under.  Grass and mud to run through.  Gardens to jump into.  Here I am after a long and hard (and dirty) weekend.  If only I could play outside and not get dirty.  Why you ask?  Because I hate to take a bath.

On Glen Road, which answer below let’s you know that it is time for me to take a bath? 

  1. I stink.
  2. I don’t smell very good.
  3. My roommates on Glen Road pick me up and then put me down and say P. U.
  4. Everyone on Glen Road keeps saying ‘what’s that smell?’ and it turns out to be me!
  5. My roommates let a skunk come into the house last night and left me out in the yard.
  6. All of the above.

If you guessed number six, you would be correct.  So this weekend, it was off to the tub for me.  Never a pretty picture.  So you can understand what it takes to make me so glamorous, I have authorized the release of these bath pics to the general public.  Here I am after my initial spray….I am trying to flee by running up the side of the tub and out of the room.

  I’m so humiliated, I can’t even show my face!

Finally, I just surrender and let nature (and soap and water) takes its course.  When I’m wet, I look about 10 pounds lighter.  See how sad my little face looks in this one.

 Don’t get any soap into my eyes!  I don’t want to have to attack!

Then it’s a towel dry and under the hair dryer.  I guess it is worth it because here is how I turn out.

 Who can resist such a hot young thing?  Bark!

I’m so happy to be done with my bath.  I am also glad that you got to see that beauty is a lot of work.  It is worth it in my opinion.  As I’ve always said, “Beauty may only be skin deep, but ugly is all the way to the bone”.  Take care my lovelies and I’ll talk to you again soon.  I’m off to play in the back yard some more.  Do you have a favorite pet that can talk to me here on Acorns On Glen?

by

Friday Dance Party – Workin’ 9 to 5 with Dolly

This is another edition of Friday Dance Party on Acorns On Glen.  It’s the time where we give thanks for living another week.  We give thanks for making it through another stretch of the journey we call life and for being able to celebrate this fact.  People celebrate in all different sorts of ways.  How do we celebrate another week of living here on Acorns On Glen?  We dance.  Are you alive this Friday?  Did you give thanks for that fact?

Good, now let’s dance.

This was a tough week in terms of work.  We were so busy with projects and deadlines at work that it was hard to enjoy the nice Spring weather that has come our way and the fact that all known Mothers are accounted for and present on Glen Road for their big day this Sunday.  We got our wish this week in terms of the weather being mostly sunny with one day of good rain for our plants and our newly seeded front lawn.  Both Mothers are here in Connecticut for us to enjoy Mother’s Day with them.  So life is good!  When we have crazy work weeks like we had this week, we need to remember to take some time to stop every so often, inhale deeply and look around and give thanks for all that’s around us.  It is so easy to get caught up in work and forget to fully live life in the moment and to be happy for the life that we have.  If you don’t stop every once in a while to look around and give thanks for all of your blessings, you can quickly move into a negative state of mind that is not good for you or anyone around you.  So given that it was a tough work week, we thought we’d dance this week to our favorite ode to working.  Yes, it’s the Dolly classic ‘9 to 5’.  Come on, how can you not dance when you see Dolly perform?  So get out your cowboy boots and turn your computer speakers up.  You’ve made it through another week and it’s time to get your dance on today.  Have a great Mother’s Day weekend from all of here at Acorns On Glen!  How do you stay grounded and positive when work presents a tough week for you? 

by

Friday Dance Party – Shania Is Here

This is another edition of Friday Dance Party on Acorns On Glen.  It’s the time where we give thanks for living another week. We give thanks for making it through one more week and for being able to celebrate the fact.  How do we celebrate another week of living?  We dance.  Are you alive this Friday?  Did you give thanks for that?

Good, now let’s dance.

Spring is in full force here.  We woke up this morning and watched the beautiful wedding of the new Duke and Duchess of Cambridge.  How wonderful was that?  They were glowing.  After going outside, we were thrilled that today is pushing 70 degrees, with bright sun and no one walking down the street with a coat on.  This is a first for us in quite a long time.  We are in New York City today and everywhere you look, there are blooming tulips, daffodils and other bright-colored blooms.  The trees are budding and you can help but smile.  You have to love it….and if you don’t, you’re out of here.  So with that being said, it is only fitting that we bring in Shania Twain for our dance party to sing one of her first big hits.  I love this song and like this very modern take on a country song.  So turn your speakers up and get your groove going.  This is a fun one.  Go ahead and dance and if you can do it with some bright sunshine beaming onto your shoulders, even better.  Is it a warm and sunny Spring day where you live?   

by

Easter Bunny Martini

This is a martini recipe to help you celebrate Easter.  It also helps calm your nerves if you are cooking for a large group or if you are around family members that are annoying you.  Don’t let the look of the martini fool you.  While it looks like a creamy chocolate milkshake, there is enough vodka in it to make any Easter (or any day) a good one.  It was made by Jeff the Bartender at Toscana Restaurant in Ridgefield, CT, http://www.toscanaridgefield.com.  If you live in the area, go there for some great Italian food.  Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

  •  1/3 combination of Absolut vodka and Absolut vanilla vodka
  • 1/3 Godiva chocolate liqueur
  • 1/3 dark creme de cacao
  • 1 small chocolate bunny (for garnish)

Directions:

Place ingredients into a martini shaker with ice.  Shake well with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass.  Using a small knife, make a slice upwards under the ribs of the chocolate bunny.  (Attention animal lovers:  this will not hurt the bunny).  Hook on the rim of the martini glass and drink.

Enjoy your bunny martini and have a Happy Easter…..if you can remember it after drinking this martini.  What holiday themed drinks do you make for your family and friends?

by

Friday Dance Party – Fergie Time

This is another edition of Friday Dance Party on Acorns On Glen.  It’s the time where we give thanks for making it through another week and for being able to celebrate this fact.  How do we celebrate another week of living?  We dance.  First off, Happy Earth Day, Happy Passover and Happy Easter to all of you.  We hope this important week in religion and with our planet finds you and your families safe and sound.  So, are you alive this Friday?  Are you and your family safe and sound?  Did you give thanks for that?

Good, now let’s dance.

I have been wondering how to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Kate and William over in England.  Do I send them a blender or a food processor?  You know, a kitchen appliance wrapped up in a big box with a big, blue bow on it is every newly married couple’s dream gift.  Probably not, right?  How about I DVR the wedding and send over a DVD copy of the day to them so they always have it at their fingertips in case they want to watch?  Maybe.   How about Fergie singing ‘London Bridge’ to them in celebration of their wedding and their hometown?  Sounds perfect to me…that’s what I would want.  So here you go Kate and William, a tribute from Fergie.  I hope all of you will shake it to this tune for getting through another week.  I bet that in some back corner of Buckingham Palace, Kate and William are shaking it too.  Are you excited about the upcoming royal wedding? 

by

Cardinal Love Is A Battlefield

This is how we woke up this morning.  Through closed windows and with light rain falling, we woke up to the sound of super loud bird noises.  First, it was loud beautiful singing.  Next, shrill one-note warbles.  Then back to loud beautiful singing.  Where we live, you never know what you are going to find when you pull back the curtains to take a peek.  Today it was the sight of two male Cardinals fighting for the love of one female.  I thought the fight looked pretty intense so I crept outside to take some pictures.  I’m sure the Cardinals were also quite amazed at the sight of me running around in the rain in a t-shirt, pajama bottoms and no shoes trying to capture some pictures of their Spring love ritual.  This ritual consisted of the female enjoying front row seats and sitting there watching the mayhem.  All morning, one male would fly at the second male.  There would be an in-air or on-branch fight consisting of a flurry of wings and loud warbles.  Then one or the other male would fly off a few hundred feet away and rest and plot the next attack.  First, meet the female.  The object of their affection:

Here is the first male.  Notice how he is a little larger than the other male.  This helped him because, if I was the fight judge, this guy would have won.

Here’s the second male.  Slightly smaller, but he sure is scrappy.

As we left for work this morning, the fight was still raging.  I started to wonder what would happen to the loser.  Does he finish the summer a bachelor or does he go and find another female to marry?  While I think the larger male will win the love of the female, there was also a little piece of me that was rooting for the smaller guy.  I’ve always had a soft spot for an underdog.  While we don’t know the ultimate winner yet, I did find some interesting reading on Cardinal mating on the internet. 

Here is a piece from http://www.birdhouses101.com:

The early spring is the mating season for Cardinals.  These songbirds are known as “socially monogamous” but there are times when they copulate with the others.  There was even one study which found that nine to 35 percent of Cardinal nestlings came from extra-pair copulations.

The mating season begins with pair formation that includes different physical displays of cardinals.  The males show off to attract a female.  They also do the courtship and mate feeding.  Females choose their mates based on the male’s ornamentation such as the size of his black face mask as well as the color of his plumage and bill.  Studies have found that the ornaments of male and female Cardinals provide information on the bird’s condition.  For instance, females with a big face mask shows that they are good defenders of nests but for males, this means that they are not highly successful in reproduction.

Mate feeding occurs when the male Cardinal picks up a seed, hops near the female and the two touch beaks so the female can take the food.  Mate feeding will go on until the female lays eggs and incubates them.  Normally, pairs of Cardinals stay together throughout the year and may breed for several seasons.  This bird lives an average of one year although there have been records of longer life spans.

Did you know that Cardinals sing their best during the love season?  They sing with great emphasis as evident in the swelling of their throat, spreading of their tail, drooping of wings and leaning from side to side as if performing on stage with much gusto.  They repeat these melodies over and over again resting only for a short time to breathe.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Who knew we would use words like ‘copulate’ and ‘extra-pair copulation’ here on Acorns On Glen?  All in all, the Cardinal love story was and probably will keep being a great show here on Glen Road.  Nature always proves to be a great theatre if you pay attention to it.  I’m glad we have Cardinals in our backyard and that we took the time to notice them.  What other strange Spring mating rituals are going on in your neck of the woods? 

by

Friday Dance Party-Mariah’s In The House

This is another edition of Friday Dance Party on Acorns On Glen.  It’s the time where we give thanks for living another week. We give thanks for making it through the journey and for being able to celebrate this fact.  How do we celebrate another week of living?  We dance.  Are you alive this Friday?  Did you give thanks for that?

Good, now let’s dance.

Super divas make for super dancing.  We’re full of emotion this week as we travel to Chicago to meet my brother, my sister-in-law and the kids this weekend.  We haven’t seen them for a while, so we are filled with excitement and anticipation for the days to finally get here.  So it is finally Friday and today is the big first day!  We have lots planned…a nice hotel to stay at, lots of new restaurants to eat at, lots of shopping to do and yes, we are even going to a museum for a little culture.  So this weekend promises to be GREAT.  So who better to sing a song that embraces all the emotions we are feeling?  Ms. Carey, Mariah Carey herself.  The girl can blow and this is one of our favorite Mariah songs.  It makes me feel so young again when I listen to it.  So here’s to a great weekend to us here in Chicago and to you and your loved ones wherever you may be.  Shake it to Mariah.  Dance hard (finally, a fast one!) and celebrate family and YOU.  You deserve it and you got me feeling higher.  How old were you when Mariah busted this wild groove?